Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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