I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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