There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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