Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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