Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
