I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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