Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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