I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
