so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
