I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
