If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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