Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
