some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
