Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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