I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
