He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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