You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
