if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
