I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
