I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
