Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
