Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
