I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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