News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
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I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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