I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
