she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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