He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
