Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
