My underwear smells like fireworks.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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