She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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