I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
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EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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