remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
