I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
