I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
