you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
