just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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