made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
