Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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