Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
