My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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