you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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