I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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