can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
