the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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