My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
