If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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