Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
