I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
