My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
