My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
