I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
