This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
