I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
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I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
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It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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